I've kind of got myself into a jam recently. Due to a highly unfortunate and unlikely chain of circumstances, most of which are totally out of my control, I need some big-time help.
I'll be blunt with you, I need $700 billion. If I don't get it, everyone around me will lose their jobs. The standards of living which we are used to will crumble. People will be on the streets starving, the dead will rise from the grave, dogs and cats will live together...it will be mass hysteria.
Look, I know I have been wrong about these kinds of thing in the past. You probably remember when I asked you to buy into that plan I had to win free gas for life. I realize that the results of that decision have yielded a quagmire of ego from which there are no signs of escape, but I promise this is different.
Here is how I got into this mess. I am sure you will sympathize with my decision making processes -
- It all started back in the early 2000s when you gave me all that money from the internets. Haha, we all got a little carried away with how much money we bet on the internets, but we still came out with a lot. Instead of being responsible with that money, I sort of had this bet-big-on-the-next-homerun mentality. I wanted to make a safe, educated bet though so I put it all on...
- Housing, and I bet real big. My highly educated professor from a prestigious university told me the price of housing never goes down. I accidently built slightly too much though...No biggie. I'll just sell it to a few people who may not normally be in the housing marketing, I'll sell to...
- Sub-prime borrowers, c'mon, my motivations were altruistic. I really put on my philanthropic hat and allowed people to own houses who couldn't normally afford it, a win-win. I was packaging and distributing an Econo-American Dream! Some people were hesitant at first, but I simply leveraged the post-9/11 patriotism surge and the record low interest rates to manipulate the masses into a deal that was...
- Too good to be true, only it wasn't. Well, maybe by some interpretations it was. I noticed that perhaps some of these decisions weren't the best. No worries though, as long as I could conceal the risk of my minor mistakes, I could distribute them evenly amongst the major financial institutions which comprise my lifeblood. The detrimental effects probably wouldn't be noticed...as long as we don't experience an...
- Economic downturn...wtf I thought the business cycle was only relevant hundreds of years ago. Anyway, the black-hole of debt I created began to feed on itself an everything around it. Those banks who I thought would be able to handle the minor hiccup...turns out they are collapsing.
Long story short, I need a bailout. In order to close up this black hole of debt, I need more money than has ever been given to anyone ever, ever.
I realize this goes against every value we've ever held dear, and represents a total reversal of the mindset which has allowed us to achieve our historical level of success. I realize that it doesn't make much sense to solve debt problems with more debt, especially when I'm taking out a debt from the people that yielded the bad debt in the first place.
No worries though, I asked my friend who is 12 credits away from his MBA if this was a good idea, and he didn't see why not.
Please make the check out to "Fail", actually, just make it out to cash. I'll pay you back I promise.
